


alive

by mish_mish



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Body Paint, Connor Deserves Happiness, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-27 21:36:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15693849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mish_mish/pseuds/mish_mish
Summary: Connor clings to humans, hoping that they will help him to feel alive.Connor is breaking himself by this relationships with humans, because it's not at all what he expected.





	alive

**Author's Note:**

> I do not know what it is  
> Please do not yell at me.

[ ](https://imgbb.com/)

Relationships made from dust and empty assurances. Relationships made from sticky cobwebs and confused feelings. Relationships made from oil paint and emotions that do not exist. That's what they are all for Connor. This is what is pouring through your fingers. This is what you want to throw off your hands, wash it off your palms.  
Connor wants to feel alive, so he clings to this relationship with humans. Connor wants to feel alive, but instead he feels nothing but emptiness. He breaks and assures himself that this is right. He constantly tells himself that this should be so, but falls deeper into the bottom, from which no one rushes to pick him up. Who, besides him, knows where he is? Who, besides him, needs to be dragged from this bottom?  
As if Detective Reed is interested in what Connor wants. As if Hank is wondered how deeply he had failed this time. As if Markus ever decided to ask him about the whole emptiness, which he is filled with his paints so diligently.

It's like a system; Connor sees this as a system. Hank pulls out a deep hole in him, fills it with intricate and cold feelings. Gavin cleans everything after him, leaving an impassable, deaf and painful emptiness. And Markus so in vain and diligently tries to paint over this emptiness, fill it with his paints and primers. But Connor still does not feel alive; he still needs someone to prove to him that he is not a machine.  
Hank's almost got it. Every time he touches Connor with his hands, he convinces him that he is alive. He almost succeeds in weaving it into Connor's code, hammering along with a short 'love you', which on the tongue sounds wrong. He almost succeeds, but with wrong and firming feelings, as if something is wrong.  
Hank lets him feel the emotions inside. Gavin Reed brings all the sensations out. His touches are rough and his feelings are empty. And Connor can not get rid of them. He can not get to not feel Gavin's fingers on his hips and his teeth on his neck. Gavin does not make him feel alive. He makes it clear that Connor is nothing more than a machine.  
Connor does not know what Markus makes him feel. He is not a human, he is an android, so it is difficult to understand what exactly any sensations means while Connor near him. Markus does not make him feel alive, but he pushes Connor into this sensation. His voice repeats this to him endlessly. _You are alive._  
His swarthy fingers, dirty in paint, slip over Connor's pale synthetic skin like it's a canvas. He draws from above on Connor's ribs, and paints inside him. And Connor wants Markus to be a human, not an android. Connor wants Markus to show what it means to be alive, what it means to feel.

Hank always touches him sharply, but gently, as if he doubts that this is the right decision and it is necessary for him, and sometimes Connor feels that each touch can be the last. It does not upset him, but he does not want it to end. Stability is good, this is what he needs.  
Perhaps if Gavin had decided to end these relationships that had been dusted with road dust, Connor would not even have regretted it. These sensations that Reed gives, do not bring anything, only emptiness. But Connor holds onto this emptiness, because otherwise, if it disappears, he is afraid that he will lose Markus too with his painting brushes and the eyes of the color of the sea in different glare of the sun. Blue at dawn and green at sunset.  
He clings to Markus, as if he's a life buoy, and Connor himself is drowning. He, as if coming for solace, mates their palms together and allows him to paint everything inside himself in warm colors. He begs Markus about it.

Connor is not sure what each of them gets in return from this. Does Hank need this relationship? Does he do it out of pity? Does he really want this? Would they have been something if Connor had not asked for this once?  
Connor perfectly understands what Gavin gets from this, and he also understands perfectly well that maybe sex is the only reason Reed is in that kind of relationship. What Connor does not understand exactly, is the benefit to Markus. Connor does nothing for him that he ever did for Hank or Gavin. He just digs deeper into Markus when they share their connection. He only looks at how Markus draws.  
Being close to Markus is so pleasant that he is not want to emerge from the sensation of their electrified connection. Connor wants to stay with him longer than the usual half an hour, but these minutes are increasingly clamped in the absence of time, narrowed to a minimum, and sometimes completely erased.

If Connor had to choose between them, maybe he would have broken down completely. Everything is so messed up. He needs all of them, without one there is no other, and he is irrationally afraid to let go of at least one of them so as not to lose everyone else. Connor seems to be living in a gray world. It seems to him that even those bright colors with which Markus paints his skin and fills his emptiness inside, slowly burn out.

And then they let him go; thrown out like a toy in empty assurances, explaining with embarrassment his confused feelings, talking about feelings that do not exist.  
And Connor cracks when Gavin shakes him off casually and ends their relationship, assembled from dust and empty assurances.  
And Connor shatters when Hank says that their relationship entangled in a web of incomprehensible feelings can not continue that he does not feel that they are right thing.  
And Connor is finally broken and crippled when Markus lets him in without words and warms him up in his faded colors. In his palettes there was no left warmth and brightness, but Connor is enough pearl white that like the color of the plastic of his body.   
Markus talks about the non-existent feelings that Connor felt and with which he's been confused.  
Markus talks about the non-existent feelings that Connor did not notice, which he ignored and left on the bottom of Markus' cans of paint.  
Markus says that it is not necessary to be a human, to be with a human, to feel himself alive.  
Markus passes his fingers over Connor's skin and smears pearly white paint over Connor's face, along his neck and chest. He seems to give Connor a clean white canvas, painting over all his cracks and wounds. Markus leans his forehead against Connor's forehead, and leaves his first kiss on the tip of Connor's nose. And it's like something new, something more amazing than any touch that RK800 had in his life.  
Markus never touched him as the others touch him. Markus did not need this kind of intimacy; he reaches to Connor's hands and craved intimacy on a more intimate level for androids, where feelings are sharper, where sensations are brighter.  
And now he is also pulling his hand to Connor, twisting his fingers with him and embracing him with himself, and feeling how Connor is making the first smear of paint. White on his swarthy shoulder looks breathtaking, and Connor draws the strip along his arm down. He also wants to paint over Markus' pain, but instead he gets lost in the sea, which is splashes in Markus' eyes, and he kisses back with trembling on the second kiss, which Markus timidly presses on his lips.

Connor has lost almost everything he so treasured kept. He lost everything that seemed to him such a burden, that the dust creaked on his teeth, and the sensation of cobwebs did not leave his fingers. He clung so desperately to humans who are alive and who know what it's like to be alive. He clings so persistently to humans who are alive and who can show him through feelings how to feel the same.  
He was so desperately looking for answer on how to feel himself alive, but found it next to the android, not a human.


End file.
